Fleeting 50's
I am finally over the creepy crawly crud! I am back on track and in the middle of a passel of birthdays, one last week, one tomorrow and a third next week, but none of them are mine. That's OK, really, because birthdays around our house can be sort of crazy. And sometimes, you just don't want to be on the receiving end of our birthday wishes.
Take, for instance, when Old Man officially became 'Old Man' on his fiftieth birthday. Now, Old Man does not like surprises, birthdays or parties. So what's a person to do? Why, surprise him with a birthday party, of course.
When I say Old Man does not like surprises, you may imagine that he gets a little upset, acts like he doesn't like the surprise and all, but, you would be wrong. Old Man gets absolutely violent when he is surprised. Dragging him to parties takes more energy than I have anymore. And his attitude about turning 50? Oh, he would not discuss it. So, a surprise birthday party is just what my Old Man needed.
His sister went in on it with me. Two weeks before his actual birthday, we set the party up at her house, asked the guests to park their cars in the back, decorated her house in Hawaiian luau, very colorful, to match his dark personality. After everything was ready, I called home. I had already told Old Man that I was at his sister's house visiting.
Carol: Old Man, you've got to come over right away, the bathroom faucet is leaking.
Old Man: Where's her Old Man? He can fix it.
Carol: No, you don't understand, her Old Man had to work today and she can't get the bathroom faucet to turn off.
Old Man: OK, let me change clothes, I've been mowing and I have on my holey blue jeans.
Sister (as if on cue, and from the back of the house, she yells): Carol, tell Brother to hurry up, the spigot just broke off and water is squirting everywhere.
Carol (voice up a notch): Old Man, did you hear that? Water is everywhere. She's trying to hold the water back with a towel!
Old Man: Get to the water main and turn it off.
Carol: You got to come NOW! I don't know where the water main is and neither does your sister.
I don't know if I should brag, but my children had no idea I could lie so well. Old Man came over straight away. No stops to clean his hands, change his holey pants or anything. As he approaches the door, Sister and I are yelling back and forth to authenticate the lie. He rings the doorbell, I make noises like I'm running through the house. As I throw the door wide open, everyone jumps out from behind furniture and corners to yell, "Happy Birthday!"
No one has time to react before Old Man does an about face to return to his truck. Luckily, I was close enough to catch his arm and stop him. He tried to drag away saying that he would be back. By this time, some of the bigger guests had hold of his arms leading him into the house, Old Man protesting that he's wearing his holey jeans and he has to change.
He was told he could remain seated, but he had to wear the bright green flip flops, the hot pink and yellow lai and the straw hat with its own holes. After a couple of mai tais, Old Man didn't care that he was wearing holey jeans and hat, or that the neon he had on would light up the night.
I never got the nerve to throw Old Man a surprise birthday party ever again. I caught holy (not holey) you-know-what when we went home. No matter, I told Old Man, he can rant and rave all he wants, I'd do it all over again. It was just way too much fun!
Take, for instance, when Old Man officially became 'Old Man' on his fiftieth birthday. Now, Old Man does not like surprises, birthdays or parties. So what's a person to do? Why, surprise him with a birthday party, of course.
When I say Old Man does not like surprises, you may imagine that he gets a little upset, acts like he doesn't like the surprise and all, but, you would be wrong. Old Man gets absolutely violent when he is surprised. Dragging him to parties takes more energy than I have anymore. And his attitude about turning 50? Oh, he would not discuss it. So, a surprise birthday party is just what my Old Man needed.
His sister went in on it with me. Two weeks before his actual birthday, we set the party up at her house, asked the guests to park their cars in the back, decorated her house in Hawaiian luau, very colorful, to match his dark personality. After everything was ready, I called home. I had already told Old Man that I was at his sister's house visiting.
Carol: Old Man, you've got to come over right away, the bathroom faucet is leaking.
Old Man: Where's her Old Man? He can fix it.
Carol: No, you don't understand, her Old Man had to work today and she can't get the bathroom faucet to turn off.
Old Man: OK, let me change clothes, I've been mowing and I have on my holey blue jeans.
Sister (as if on cue, and from the back of the house, she yells): Carol, tell Brother to hurry up, the spigot just broke off and water is squirting everywhere.
Carol (voice up a notch): Old Man, did you hear that? Water is everywhere. She's trying to hold the water back with a towel!
Old Man: Get to the water main and turn it off.
Carol: You got to come NOW! I don't know where the water main is and neither does your sister.
I don't know if I should brag, but my children had no idea I could lie so well. Old Man came over straight away. No stops to clean his hands, change his holey pants or anything. As he approaches the door, Sister and I are yelling back and forth to authenticate the lie. He rings the doorbell, I make noises like I'm running through the house. As I throw the door wide open, everyone jumps out from behind furniture and corners to yell, "Happy Birthday!"
No one has time to react before Old Man does an about face to return to his truck. Luckily, I was close enough to catch his arm and stop him. He tried to drag away saying that he would be back. By this time, some of the bigger guests had hold of his arms leading him into the house, Old Man protesting that he's wearing his holey jeans and he has to change.
He was told he could remain seated, but he had to wear the bright green flip flops, the hot pink and yellow lai and the straw hat with its own holes. After a couple of mai tais, Old Man didn't care that he was wearing holey jeans and hat, or that the neon he had on would light up the night.
I never got the nerve to throw Old Man a surprise birthday party ever again. I caught holy (not holey) you-know-what when we went home. No matter, I told Old Man, he can rant and rave all he wants, I'd do it all over again. It was just way too much fun!
Comments
Post a Comment
I've enjoyed writing this, as I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Please leave a comment about whether you like it or if not, constructive criticism is always welcome.